Why is It?

Why is it when I scream or say loud it was already anger and "suplada". Why is it if he screams or say loud I step down backward and get angry and he tells me after a minute to stop the anger and I would suddenly stop or after a minute to stop and let the anger pass away. But if its in vice versa, it is so very big deal! Ako na yata pinaka suplada sa buong mundo. Kng hindi mn ay pinaka pangit na ugali, wala nang hihigit pa.

I know in his mind  he would say:

Mabuti pa si ________
mas mabuti pa si _________
pinakabuti pa si _________

And I am not in those blanks. I will be on blanks that are so much ironic on those above. 3 blanks to 3 girls. How lucky are they, they have the heart of my love.

He says: why on his friends there are no malice when they hug and kiss on public but when it comes to me I am putting malice. And why is it when I put the first move helding his hand, walking really beside him he would immediately take off his hands or kulang na lng he would push me hard to move away. Do you know how much that hurts...., I am beginning to let the public know how much I care and love in that ways but he is to the one to reject it.

How lucky the girls he is with, he really cares and act as gentleman. It is ok for him na akbayan siya or hold his hand but me I cannot do it because he say its discrimination!

Why is it happening? because I am not that sweet nor caring on and off public. I am not like the "playing your song" girl or "past is past" girl and or "pasalubong effect" girl. Na grabe mga guts...always on first move which he greatfully likes..girls on first move and really very very very very friendly girls with very nice attitude and character. While me, its very complete opposite.

I know it a long time ago, knowing him, I am not the type of girl that he likes or admires. Comparing me to his girls and friends its far beyond compare. Maybe my life is still dreaming on...............

Alternative

Even though we would fight, it doesn't matter, he has always an alternative. He can trully laugh and be happy while we are on a rough times. And who am I to clamor?

Every time we fought and hurting him I feel I am a failure. Failing to make the day happy and very lousy partner. And can't make the things his first one does or some of his "sweet friends" as what he reminds me. A very far from the first. No matter what I do I'm not the first one and just the second best or better or good. I guest the first will always be within as what others says and its true.

Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...

Since Then

At first I keep silence and never mention how I feel. I never intend to let him know how I feel because I was afraid. This was no ordinary and so so relationship anymore. I just keep quite for I have no right to speak out how I feel, I still have no right to be jealous or to care a lot. How good I am keeping the feeling inside me.

Soon we have exchange ideals and feelings then having relationship with no commitment because I still have to question myself. And soon we both had agreement and say to him ok let's have a commitment now. Eversince then on I have minimize my being so caring to some of his friends, I stop my sweet-action to others which I know he is jealous a lot of. Instead I focus a lot to him. I adjusted myself and learn how to care and love him. Everyday I use to know what are his likes and dislikes. Likewise knowing him better and better.

For him to know I have no clamors with it comes to time, money, and effort. During rough times it was never expected. I guess its natural for lovers to have some downfalls. I want him to be there always beside me and I will never get bored if we are together. I will do things to make him happy with me. I don't want to hurt him or feel that he is left alone. I want him to realize how I really love him. All I want is to have happy moments each day in our lives. I have experience a perfect family and I will not deprived him from having that one together with me. I really and use to say to him to be obedient and respect to some of his close family and likewsie not to be so rascal or naughty, which I can see he has improve and follows my advice. Its a great accomplishment noticing him doing and following things for me. To him I will never get tard of caring and loving because I will do this forever.

Now That They Are Gone

Now that they are gone, I am happy but same goes as still irritated. Yes they are gone but what's the use of text, chat, emails and calls which I cannot watch directly. They are not my enemy but still I would say keep your enemies closer.

Still there are worries. They could chat all day which I cannot monitor and knows the topic, even though he doesn't make serious some of their deeper conversation (I'm not sure if he is serious or not at sobra naman kung makisabay) still I consider that as not an excuse. He has feelings and could likewise stumble. He could be tempted to appealing gestures of others too. More and more those girls are wise and competing with me as if nothing competes.

If that is the scenario, I am a complete loser, I can't play the game they are playing. I can't compete to win his attention because I know I have his attention. But what do they do? they get his attention and leaving me behind, who am I? and what am I to him? Don't they get that?....don't they know what circle-of-friend term is? And what do I do? Just keep in silence and just clamor to him without them knowing what is happening to us both. If you could just read their chats you readers could understand why I had overreacted and wanted to end the relationship. But wait stop! ending the relationship is a complete mess. I know I am really hurt and its not jealousy anymore, I can't frankly say in front of them why do they act that way, as I am doing just still understanding the situation because they do not know what is the real score between us (Don't they really know?). There are lots of scenarios wherein as if they are more than friends or best friends. All I could comment to there actions is "unrecognizable flirting character". And to him always pawala. I know he has that feeling about the girls that they do also like him.

I admit I am really selfish with his attention because I just hate them for they do grab his attention always. Maybe right now they could possible chat without me knowing. I am judgeful to them because they need to be judge.

I am acting this way for I just love him very much! and he is only mine and no one is between us. No third parties just us both.

Has Yet To Come

As I have notice major of the post are heartaches. Its because people usually think and impress more when they are hurt.

Hurt, jealosy, disappointment and anger are things we must consider in loving. Loving him lets me experience those feelings but despite of all that, loving is very unexpectable and wonderful feeling.

As I said before it has its own time and right now is my time. If ever many readers will read this they may judge me but still this are all within me...my thoughts, my ideas and most of all my feelings.

Much more revelation has yet to come. Thank God He is there giving me strenght to stand and wake up each morning with a new day together with my love. I guess this strength keeps me going on. Receiving this strenght from my love and to God is what keeps me holding on and loving more.

Despite of all trials from heartaches of jealousy and misunderstanding we are still together. Is this what love is all about? Then I am thankful how strong our relationship is even every night I cry. Hoping still that no one could be in between us and no one would dare to break us apart.

You Know Who

It been a long months since I haven't right on this blog.

There where lots of happenings, revelations, jealousy, misunderstandings by my love. Recalling it makes my heart numb. Thanks to God, He has been always on my side giving me strength to persevere.

Yes indeed maybe I am thinking the wrong way or just having illusions but enough is enough. I am always there at his side but they haven't seen it and why others can? We are person, I and even you know who to make conversations..hmmmm..just conversation..a friendship conversation from what I know.

They say peace of mind makes you free and no heavy baggages to carry everyday. I definitely know that but  there are person really are roaming around as if they are ants or bees having stings.

To a person who frankly say to me they were only now friends or bestfriend but had enorgomously eaten her words, just wanted to say stop acting like an angel having peaceful heart. The pain that you cause can't gradually be disappear like a blink in the eye. Stop saying like you move on and repeatedly say 'past is past' for I wont believe you anymore, for all I know you still want him back. Don't be desperate just have shame. Things aren't the same anymore. Accept it for where and what you are now is what your doings on your past. Believe in karma whether it is good or bad.

To a person really is making everyone be tempted don't act very good and always-right. Be in their girlfriends' shoes. I have heard it, your break ups are always having third parties so dont be a third party animal because it hurts like what you have been experiencing. Know what is happening around. Dont act foolish as if you don't know what is between him and me. Dont play innocent and play around him like even more than friends and having conection. Just to remind you, you are always the point of jealousy in a number of relationships. Just an advice beware of strangers, be careful to be close quickly to a person you just seen, you're just lucky enough. Dont act as if inaapi ka nila, because you are the one who's making your own problems, dahil pakialamera ka kaya ganyan nangyari sa'yo. We all know you are intelligent but don't be over intelligent. I know you are right and have proven it but doesn't mean the enemies are all wrong because you also have mistakes in here. In the first place you just have to stay away, you knew the person have girlfriend, why still entertaining? Come on, be sensitive. Dont leave friends behind if you have a new friends. Kawawa nmn ang matagal mu ng friend, iniiwan mu lng, and if the other one can't be because I am around ngtitiis ka nlng sa isa. You are still talking to a person you think and say is plastic, why not stop talking and making her fool acting like close, (sino mas palstic sa inyo kundi ikaw mismo). If you are not plastic then stop befriending her. Mas plastic ka pa sa dating nya. I knew little things about who you criticize and they are your friends.

To a person as if very concern and helpful, papansin pa. What is really your point? ng mamakaawa to be seen by him? having contest with the person on top to get his attention. Am I right? But lugi ka pa rin, hindi mu makaya the guts of the person above. You're like her, acting like innocent one and as if no idea between me and him. Your annoying voice and laugh just irritates me. I don't get you, yes you are a friend but I am around and can manage to help him and take care of him. You are acting like I don't know everything about him and I can't do things to make him happy. Open your eyes lady, both of you open your eyes. Nakakasuka na ang arrogant sweetness ninyong dalawa.

Ok I am acting like I'm perfect but I am not. I am not a good person, I'm no angel having no sins at all. I have lots of sins, mistake and downfalls. But I am opening my eyes and mind and trying to be sensitive as possible for my love. Life and love has its own time and this is my time now. Wait for your so called prince charming. Again wait don't find it. Stop having blind dates, nowadays it is dangerous trusting blind dates. Follow your dream and be a millionaire. Go on......

Life and love has indeed has its own time. I waited for my time and it has come....

What Now?

It was his ex girlfriends birthday yesterday. He has greeted her very early in the morning about after 1 am before we go to sleep. I have no idea, I thought he was just playing what he usually do. Oh my his texts wasn't just an ordinary greetings. I was not usual greetings to friends as what he has said.

No comment now, just making my hurtings worst. Good for her she is happy stating again their terms of endearment.