No space

I could see now that I have no place and space in his life, time, plans and decision.

Reason being I can't be with him any longer. It would just hurt me. Especially in the country where almost his girl friends are in it. I would not be happy in their. I will have to find a place of my own to start a new life and forget this bunch of nightmares and lies I have gone through.

I hate it that after a whole day of spending's I just receive smiles and no thank you. As if he just remembers me if he needs something to buy or spend with. Hey he can't even spend a little penny if he knows I would benefit it.

Thoughts of Break Up

I thought breaking up and be friends with him gives me more confident and think I also exist and no malice around, but its now upside down. Its more like I am not beside him, I could see that he feels bored when we are the only 2 left.

Yes indeed even it hurts I have to say this, he has fallen out of love in me because of my over jealousy character. I am shouting at him if I am angry and had brought an arms on him. I do not regret this for I believe what I see. What I feel I fought out.

My defense: I am jealous for I could see it in his eyes whether he have or have no passion to be with the other girls. I know him attitude. Even he denies to death. He even once said he has no contentment so this means he doesnt love me that much unlike his ex.

This Sucks!

Lesson being. He treats me like his ex. Looks like I am in the place of his ex. He strolls with his girl friends while me left alone in the apartment waiting for companionship. And when he arrives he can't hardly notice me and switches on his laptop and chat again with his girl friends.

I am now in his ex situation in the past, waiting for him to go home early or late at night. Plus it os ok for him I am alone while its not ok for him that his girl friends doesn't have companion. SUch big sucking unfair!

Gift Still Not Receive

I have bought a lot of things again for him. I hope he notice my effort, time and money, but I could see he was happy, happy to have those material things and my name was not honored again if someone praises what he have.

I could see while buying gifts, I know now who is well important to him. It hurts me the most that I dont get special gift this time again. Specially on my birthday, just a simple greetings. I am not saying that I am looking for material things from him but I like to see how well and how deep his time, money, effort, care, love amd impotance he have like what I have bestowed from him.

He once said he will be going alone to buy somethings and also to me. Let us see if he could, again fortunately he can't, for they will be going together in the mall with his very close and my underneath-post-star agian! So perfectly arriving, he doesn't have brought anything except food. So what have they done there? A bunch of lies from him.

Gift Still Not Receive from only shows that he cant have any effort showing me how important I am.

Fallen Tears

I have fallen tears again on the office after the weekend. I have tears again in front of my desktop. I hate this. I develop tears every time I remember what I saw. How could I clamor, I have know right, just have the right to keep it.

I hardly notice that he treats me like one of his fling girls. I thought I was specially but it was all a saying, a thought that fades away in the air.

Underneath 2

They really did it, in front of me and with other friends. It was ok to him. A strong hold it between fingers.

A friend have notice a quickly and suddenly change mood but I have denied it. Good thing I have a quick thinking.

I can't even remember if we did it when we are still on. Why does he keep on showing me that he can do it to others and he cant do it with me especially publicly.

A question that has roled my mind. I have stop my emotion from dwelling as I can. Why can't I get over this things. Why can't I put in my mind that he doesn't love me anymore.

Wish List

My Wish List

1. Go to a visit and enter a church for the first time and say my wish.

2. Own a cat or dog.

3. Go outside the country and had a drink of water

4. Drive a car

Dirty Queen's Track

I'm like a fool here sitting in front of them looking on their gestures. Like to hit the wall. So sleepy, tired and dead to be with a queen and king.

I feel ewwwwww with those dirty queen's tracks!!!!

Brought me to Hell

There’s no glow between us. I am left behind with it comes to his life. But that’s ok. It is easy for me to such decision for myself.

I hate to be called as his bestfriend or close friend. I want as to be as normal friends like anybody else.

I hate it when some people ask me about his whereabouts, I don’t even know where is he heading, so why ask me.

I hate it when people rely that we make 1 decision, hey I don’t even know his likes and dislikes. I don’t know him anymore.

I hate it when people say where he is there am I. Once and for all we must not go along each others path. I knew from the bottom of my heart he also wanted this way first.

I hate it when people ask me what are his plans in the future. Again, I big I don’t know.

I ahte it when people reserve a sits to us just beside each other. I should have sit at the end and hime on the other end.

I hate people saying we have one in common, well we don’t even have exactly fan together. Its begiining to transform that his likes are not my likes anymore, his activities are not my activities anymore and will never be.

Why people keep saying we are best friends, knows each others, have in common. I think this has to come to an end taht people will forgot we go along. For it will never be and it should not be.

Hope everyone does understand this, I’m not a bad girl here, just making the right decision. That its time for me to give up what I have been fighting for over a year for it has no happy ending nor success of a fight. Things are not the same as it should be anymore.

I don’t care how people treat me and say against me because I am giving space around him. I don’t care if they say I have attitude problem. If only they knew what’s going on between us. If only they knew the whole story.

I knew people have a hard time reaching out to me. That I keep distant from them too, for only they knew its the only way we could not be together. I know this is a wrongful act, I should not keep distant with the group but I should give up so that he can freely fly and enjoy.

If only I will have a new set of friends to totally be not with him together all the time especially group dinners and parties. Anyway even if I am with the group and he is there as if we don’t know each other, I can’t even remember we talk or laugh with or sitting beside each other.

I am determine and I know this is way better than reaching out to him, getting his attentions just a split seconds and caring much but in the end I still cry and feeling not worthy to be with him.

I know in life you must do exactly where your heart is but thinking much is in the path and way to get the heart well treated and taken care of.

Within this time, 1 is better but having second time around is enough. I am fooled by my heart and mind. Fooled that it is hard to escape and will be forever a bad dream. I always say ‘dream on’ but it’s me it strikes the most.

I have no way intention in coming things to as common as it is know, I can’t fooled my self anymore. There were sacrifices I have made, friends that I have left out, things I have given up and pleasure I have modified and when its time for me to comeback, they are all gone, I just realize they have gone, I stop giving them importance for him, and in him it is me that its not important to him.

I am too late to bring back what I have left out. They are not coming back anymore and it hurts me the most and feeling of guilt and ashame to myself.

What I have done is the most happiest in my life but it has brought me to hell.

Underneath

I am just curious while eating, why their hands doesn't come out above the table. Was hoping to bow down to look underneath but wasn't able to. Are they holding hands?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Slowly in Tears

From the moment he says he didn't ask for my company thats when I realize things aren't the same as it was before. Big changes is happening between us. It may come to a point we aren't lovers, best friend, friend, acquainted anymore.

I just can't understand, that if we are both alone, it seems I have a lot of responsibility to him. But if we are in groups, he can't talk or get along with me. As if I wasn't there all day and night.

If we were both alone, he is very sick, tired, burden, bored...etc. but if he is with others o my he is very happy, overjoyed, alert, really gentleman.

What's within me? it just makes my tears falls down to my chick that breaks my heart.

He say his death is near for he has unhealthy body and always tired, he would dream of his dead relatives and spooky stuffs. Well to his knowings, I am sure I'll be the first one to lay down in the coffin, for I have physical burden which I believe I contributed alot to our relationship. I feel my body is dying and aching inside that as time goes by I am use to the pain it brings me. I'm not clamoring anymore for no one hears me even my family. I hope one day it would not come to a point that I will fall surprisingly.

Physically, mentally, emotionally I am dying slowly.

His hugs are the only one left I have felt I need to stay and be alive.

Separate Ways

He is not already my companion, my partner in crime. He never share his plan, he has throw away our plans. He has never ask me abiut my plan.

When he is finished and made his plans and decision, thats the time he would ask me what will be my plan, as if he wants us to be on separate ways. As if he wanted it early as possible for I am just hindrance.

This time I fully understand that he no longer thinks of me nor care nor loves me.

Big Baggage

Ok he has already plan for next year and sad thing is that I do not belong to his plans.

I know in his heart that he wants to be with his fried flat bread, because with her, he so happy and enjoys life positively - "law of attraction". He will be inspired and will have more money and they could travel the world especially in Hawaii and Paris and many places they like.

Well he doesn't want me anymore for I am boring and stupid.

I our relationship, All I did was to care and love and give myself in..but what else could I do if he doesn't feel real love, he even has zero attraction towards me.

I have to let go even it hurts me painfully. I still carry I big baggage I thought this would end but I was wrong, instead it triples my big baggage to carry on.

Still Alone

I have to go home. I have to feel my presence in my own family for I feel invisible here in my independent life.

Why do I ahve to be jealous when I don't have the right anymore? WHy all those approaches he have for others are very nice, a gentleman, very heroic, full of energy, vigorous, talkative shares, having planful futures. While his aproaches towards me is that he makes me feel dumb, no use, overreacting, no plans, boring and all bad aspects.

I think he no longers want my company anymore while me I am tired of providing. He wants to lighten up the room, and why is it if there is a chance for the 2 of us he separates and find ways to go away, worst thing is he wants to sleep and sleep and sleep when he is with me. I mean he always feel tired and sleepy. While on others he is very active and energetic.

What will I supposed to do, it looks like I am invisible for when I am with him I feel like I am still alone.

Tired and Dead

I now know what is my disposstion in his life. TO be there and act as manly and womanly at the same time.

I don't know how long my body will last long, I feel tired and dead. I am very very to sensitive to all utters and makes me feel dumb and numb.

I have to let go of this or I would lost my mind, for I can't take it anymore. This life is full of unfairs and grief.

Unremembered

I had mention to him he had spoken he loves me, but he didn't remember. And what I have in mind is that I think it wasn't for me or it was just a spell of words from a motionless mouth. This is the time I now know that when he speaks when he is half awake, it was not meant to be or it is not supposed to said and feel the emotions from the word.

Half Awake

He said he loves me when he is half awake resting. I guess he is so tard. I didn't know what to response but just said I love him too.

Jolly no more

I cannot be as jolly as it can be like before. For everytime I make moves or do say something, join in some discussion and have some jokes THEN, (yes a big THEN!) if I make something which he doesn't like or for him it was wrong he then have a frown in his face..his eyebrows meets its point. Which I don't know what to react. I mean people around does not see anything wrong why does he have to frown at me? What's wrong on that...what's wrong on those???

It seems that I miss myself in the past..always laughing..having jokes...going and walking talkatively...and now in order for me not to receive frown face, I would just be still and keep quite so that he may be at peace.

He thinks I'm quiet, reserve and not people person. It was a shocking for him to realized I had laugh a loud, talk to much on the phone with my best pal. See? he forgets who I am and how I make my other of side of friends happy and amaze. My friends would usually say I always laugh around and talk simultaneously. I remember one of my close guy friend who had describe me as jolly person, this guy really knows me..but to him he would always say I am quiet and don't talk to much..I get the answer why it was really opposite. It's because he never gives me a chance to allow myself to fit in the group and take my jokes as jokes. He never let's me be but instead he wants me to hold my moves or tongue..it looks like he wants me to deliver my speech to him first and had his approval.

The point here is...I laugh and enjoy myself in a conversation but there he is frowning secretly if he thinks I am over the fence which actually I'm just within the backyard. And I hate seeing that everyone enjoys while he frowns secretly at me because he doesn't like my words or story lines...why what's wrong with me? why can he not appreciate?

Everyone enjoys while I can't enjoy myself. For if I will enjoy by the end of the day in just one conclusion he would say, why am I so laughing loud, saying that why which make like a hore or flirty.

That's why secretly I wanted to go out with other set of people to enjoy myself and laugh as if it has no end and we could have smart conversation at it's most compatibility.

With this word 'compatibility' I may want to consider we don't have that anymore.

Let Go and Move On

I can reach already his points of views in life...we don't share much of brilliant and factful ideas and plans..

Maybe this is part of letting go and moving on..

Dream

Oh Lord, please don't let me dream about him if it won't be happening by tomorrow or on other days to come.

He really loves me for he only needs me.

In times of trouble he is present but in times of happines he wasn't.

In times of cries he is present but in times of laughters he can't be interrupt.

How could I appreciate life and humility when he spend more money with his friends and I gave him the expenses secretly. The grattitude was given to him while I stay in low profile for the generousity I gave in.

Here is a story, he wants to be generous to his friends that he want to take and spend money and time for them. And all our friends would say he is so generous and rich..blah blah blah..but at the end of the day he would ask me to pay him for all the expense he paid for our friends. Or on that time he would secretly as for money and then when the time comes I had given him he would volunteer to pay all the expense. So then our friends would believe that it is his money and not mine. Of course surely the gratitude..thanks..apreciation was with him and not in me. I am not saying that it should be me taking all those appreciation and thanks but all I am asking is that he should also gave me even just a little credit or a thank you word came from him or he will also let our friends recognize that I do had shares too but all I get is a frowns and a blowing air of uttering words. After those, it was just nothing I have done for him to have those thanks, etc, it was easy for him to forget what I did,

I am like a bubble, once he blows I am create and dancing on the air and once he blows me again in just a snap I'm gone.

What is my purpose here on earth up to now problems wont leave me. I always pray and it was granted but the single most prayer I had its not and it was left out. Did God miss my prayer? Did God throw it on the trash or still unread?

Friendship or Love?

I knew all this time and no second thought, I am very sure as ever and its really true that he wont choose our relationship. He would choose his friend/s and not me.

Why is it so? well it was proven that he really had concern and he enjoys the company of his friend or friends over his girlfriend. This is common and its reality, who would choose love or friendship? I mean mostly people would choose friendship over love.

Maybe to him I can had it in a sentence. Friendship for him is a treasure of golds and precious stones that he cannot bequeath. Love for him is just a distruction, a hindrance to his dreams. That's why he love a friend more than he love his girlfriend.

For people friendship is the most important thing in the world, so why choose a lover when a friend is already at hand with happy moments together?

Unknown Battle

Maybe he is caring and loving because of what my possible illness would be.  He said he would probably miss me if I have to go and had proper medication if the result would be a serious one. Is he making this time to spend a lot and to stay with me making me feel I am not alone fighting an unknown battle inside me and to gain me strength that I have the will to survive or live for him for without me he doesn't know what to do(I'm confident to say this) ?

Is it because of my unknown illness that he starting to say 'I love you', to let me know that he loves me and that I am willing to be healthy and take care of myself so that we could be together until the ends of my life.

If this is the case, well then I hope I am feeling sick so that I had his attention mostly.

All I am askign now is to pray and believe that this unknown battle inside me will be gone caoz this gives me the feeling of discomfort. Hope everything is fine and healthy.

Jealous State

I love the way my love gets into jealous state. He hinders me more to believe that he still loves me and never let me go. It only proves that he didn't want me to be with somebody else. This is a fresh feeling.

My love is so cute when he is jealous. But sometimes I am into tears if it gets worsten.

Right now I cant describe our situation but still I know he would still be saying no commitment and we are both single.  But in the end of the day I am still relieve coz I know I still have him at this very moment.

I am hearing it right?

I don't know if I am hearing it right, since last night after a big fight he was saying 'I love you'. We had exchange that 3 words! (I have been longing for this again to happened). I don't know if I will be happy or not, I wont expect too much again as this hurts more. I don't know if this will last long but since last night and this day we stated "I love you" to each other.

Hmmmm..maybe he doesn't want to loose me. Because a close friend of mine was texting me always and he has suspicion that the guy got feelings for me...blah..blah..blah.. Maybe this close guy of mine is a savior, through him he has let my love come back to me.

I love the way things going now but I hate the way my love is driven by intuitions.

Unsuitable

Why is it he can post his pictures together with a girl,  from avatars to public photo sharing but with it comes to me he can't do it.  The one reason is he is not proud at me even through friendship. I never remember he had posted our picture as an avatar. I sick and tired of this situation. I wish it would end. It's very much unfair and unsuitable. Yes it is true he doesn't care about my feelings and he only thinks for his happiness to persuade.

Bleeding Silently

Last night I make the biggest mistake again. Why did I do that? Why did I let him. I am very stupid. It looks like my heart is bleeding again silently.

No I realize for him it was never important. For him there is no 'us' already.  And now I should know what is now and what is in the past.

Utter

At the middle of this week, it was the first time in a long long time I heard it from him saying the words 'i love you'.

When I wake him up he had hug me tight saying that words, I don't know what to react or say back instead I had hug him tight back. I hope it was for me and he was not thinking from anybody else because I miss the words he usually utter from time to time.

My Destiny

I feel I have lost a companion and someone to lean on that is closest to my heart. I am alone now and this is my destiny.

Playful World

I have once been asked by a friend who had made me realize by his question but the friend did not notice it. Yes it was in fact true that things aren't the same way as before. It comes to a point I was on sour-graping reasoning kind of thing. Its indeed lifeless as it may sound but truth provokes it's happening. I am believing now that individual differences are factors and made me realize I must not be naive and ignorance in this playful world.

Time Passes By

As time passes by, as I said to the Lord not to grant my wishes for I have became so bad, but I am still asking and trying to the Lord to help me coping up and move on.

Grant

I had become a very bad person and it has come to a point that I have ask the Lord not to grant my prayers anymore because I don't deserve to be granted.

Spill Out

You have been a very good friend and generous to others that you have forgotten you have a girlfriend, you forgot our vows and plans on future together.

You all forgot those and I knew it when you talk forcing me to be single like you wanted too. And I made a decision to break up giving you what you wanted.

Apparently, you have spill out words again, saying you wanted to be single and no commitment at this time because for 5-6 years you are into relationship. Do you recognize what are you saying about, do you recognize who is in front of you when you utter those words? 5-6 years? you have included your great ex-love moments, what am I to you? continuing your relationship with her of what you have started both? Is this a legacy which I have to accept as a girlfriend?

You always think of yourself while me being stupid to still think for both of us.

For your information this relationship means a lot to me and hoping on early months that there will be no break ups, need spaces, walk outs but I can see that now is impossible.

When you wanted to be single, I think it was easy for you to forget what we have started, to forget our love and devotions.

Unlucky

Im' so unlucky on love. He was into 3-4 years of in a relationship with his great ex-love and 1 year in a relationship with me but sad to say its time for him to say he wants to be single now that we are together. In our time, that's the time he wanted to be single. Maybe something is wrong with me that I am not lucky and his great ex was.

I though of 'us' will be forever but I could see now that this is only a dream that is far beyond reality.

We can't even have time to talk, only when we are sleepy, on daytime there is no spontaneous talking. Is that a talk for him in me already? He has not even talk to me in formal ways about his plans only to those close friends he has that he shares ultimately his dreams. If you ask me what dream he has really within his heart I can't say a word.

Day and Night he is busy on his cyber world. Laughing out loud sometimes. (Us? we can't laugh that much and longer) .While me waiting for him to glance at me or talk to me, while he was asking a favor I grab the oppurtunity that he sees me too.

You Said

I have love you and wanted you to be forever but what did you ask me to do? you ask me if you could have flings and act as single. I never imagine the love of my life would do that.

I thought we could only play single to those people around us everyday who has no idea what we are into, but also to the people knows who you really are, to your friends who knows you very well..how can you do that?

You said it will be forever but you wanted to be single and I am giving you that. You said we love each other but we will have no commitment and awhile ago you stated I will find you a lover. You just don't know how painful it was.

I have gave all my bravery, love, care, time, effort but it was lost just a year for you. Even in our anniversary night before, we had dinner but you have all the attention to the cousins of your great ex-lover and I am there out-of-place in all your chit chats. I thought it was time for both of us coz by tomorrow I will be going home which I have no choice, butyou have not consider that evening as romantic it can be.

What I have done to deserve all this. You said on an early months you wanted me to be your girlfriend and wife but why is it now you wanted me out and consider going with other people. I thought being husband and wife, girlfriend and boyfriend doesnt leave each other behind.

I don't demand your time to be always in my side. What I feel is we are together but your thoughts is not on us and its not on me. You are busy texting and I wont read that anymore because I feel it is restricted and I can't go beyond it. I respect that.

I respect your feelings that's why I will not do anything to make you jealosu or think I am cheating on you. I have learn my lesson previously and I don't want to loose you just like that. Can you make that for me too?

Single Blessedness

Now that its over. I am certified single again. But even if we're together I still feel I am single.

I never ignore the love he has bestowed upon me, but I could feel he has less love in our relationship even though everday I am stating to my mind 'Yes he loves me dearly'.

Even though sometimes when he sees me his world is broken again.  When with his or our friends he had a huge smile but when a snap or glances at me, his eyebrows meets its center and all my actions and talks are all wrong. That's why when in a group I would rather keep silent and no more movements so that he will not be dismay.

I just keep silent and be there for him. Waiting for him, waiting for his attention, his time like last year. Waiting for his care, waiting for his hug and kiss.

I have less share about this to my friends who knows our relationship. Its because he always think that when I tell or share problems with others about us its already backstabbing him. Its not backstabbing intentions, all I need is somebody to lean on and to let out the hurts I have.

I do everything to please him. I have serve, care, love and give all for him. But at the end for one thing I cannot do what he pleases me to do I had receive bad compliments. It is like all efforts and care was gone just for 1 simple thing.

I had endow in this relationship I even have no time for my ownself. Even my body is tired, my sickness on left side really aches underneath the skin, my heart aches going up and down, I still go on for my mind and heart tells me too and for him.

Many bad compliments and lesser good ones. A shadow. A tail. An ill-fated.

Important thing is I still care and love him. and we are friends.

Think

If I think about money or debts, I think and save for the future, for emergency and health used.  Because no one can help me but me.

Love Unconditionally

Something keeps me holding on and that is unconditional love.

But is this love stays on forever?

Wounded by Fate

Sometimes emotional scars are not easily taken away.

Embarks

I Need you because I Love You