Whisper Lovecraft

No space

2009-12-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

I could see now that I have no place and space in his life, time, plans and decision.

Reason being I can't be with him any longer. It would just hurt me. Especially in the country where almost his girl friends are in it. I would not be happy in their. I will have to find a place of my own to start a new life and forget this bunch of nightmares and lies I have gone through.

I hate it that after a whole day of spending's I just receive smiles and no thank you. As if he just remembers me if he needs something to buy or spend with. Hey he can't even spend a little penny if he knows I would benefit it.

Thoughts of Break Up

2009-12-11T10:14:00.001-08:00

I thought breaking up and be friends with him gives me more confident and think I also exist and no malice around, but its now upside down. Its more like I am not beside him, I could see that he feels bored when we are the only 2 left.

Yes indeed even it hurts I have to say this, he has fallen out of love in me because of my over jealousy character. I am shouting at him if I am angry and had brought an arms on him. I do not regret this for I believe what I see. What I feel I fought out.

My defense: I am jealous for I could see it in his eyes whether he have or have no passion to be with the other girls. I know him attitude. Even he denies to death. He even once said he has no contentment so this means he doesnt love me that much unlike his ex.

This Sucks!

2009-12-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

Lesson being. He treats me like his ex. Looks like I am in the place of his ex. He strolls with his girl friends while me left alone in the apartment waiting for companionship. And when he arrives he can't hardly notice me and switches on his laptop and chat again with his girl friends.

I am now in his ex situation in the past, waiting for him to go home early or late at night. Plus it os ok for him I am alone while its not ok for him that his girl friends doesn't have companion. SUch big sucking unfair!

Gift Still Not Receive

2009-12-11T10:01:00.001-08:00

I have bought a lot of things again for him. I hope he notice my effort, time and money, but I could see he was happy, happy to have those material things and my name was not honored again if someone praises what he have.

I could see while buying gifts, I know now who is well important to him. It hurts me the most that I dont get special gift this time again. Specially on my birthday, just a simple greetings. I am not saying that I am looking for material things from him but I like to see how well and how deep his time, money, effort, care, love amd impotance he have like what I have bestowed from him.

He once said he will be going alone to buy somethings and also to me. Let us see if he could, again fortunately he can't, for they will be going together in the mall with his very close and my underneath-post-star agian! So perfectly arriving, he doesn't have brought anything except food. So what have they done there? A bunch of lies from him.

Gift Still Not Receive from only shows that he cant have any effort showing me how important I am.

Fallen Tears

2009-12-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

I have fallen tears again on the office after the weekend. I have tears again in front of my desktop. I hate this. I develop tears every time I remember what I saw. How could I clamor, I have know right, just have the right to keep it.

I hardly notice that he treats me like one of his fling girls. I thought I was specially but it was all a saying, a thought that fades away in the air.

Underneath 2

2009-12-05T23:00:00.000-08:00

They really did it, in front of me and with other friends. It was ok to him. A strong hold it between fingers.

A friend have notice a quickly and suddenly change mood but I have denied it. Good thing I have a quick thinking.

I can't even remember if we did it when we are still on. Why does he keep on showing me that he can do it to others and he cant do it with me especially publicly.

A question that has roled my mind. I have stop my emotion from dwelling as I can. Why can't I get over this things. Why can't I put in my mind that he doesn't love me anymore.

Wish List

2009-11-12T19:27:00.000-08:00

My Wish List

1. Go to a visit and enter a church for the first time and say my wish.

2. Own a cat or dog.

3. Go outside the country and had a drink of water

4. Drive a car

Dirty Queen's Track

2009-11-12T08:35:00.000-08:00

I'm like a fool here sitting in front of them looking on their gestures. Like to hit the wall. So sleepy, tired and dead to be with a queen and king.

I feel ewwwwww with those dirty queen's tracks!!!!

Brought me to Hell

2009-11-11T23:30:00.000-08:00

There’s no glow between us. I am left behind with it comes to his life. But that’s ok. It is easy for me to such decision for myself.

I hate to be called as his bestfriend or close friend. I want as to be as normal friends like anybody else.

I hate it when some people ask me about his whereabouts, I don’t even know where is he heading, so why ask me.

I hate it when people rely that we make 1 decision, hey I don’t even know his likes and dislikes. I don’t know him anymore.

I hate it when people say where he is there am I. Once and for all we must not go along each others path. I knew from the bottom of my heart he also wanted this way first.

I hate it when people ask me what are his plans in the future. Again, I big I don’t know.

I ahte it when people reserve a sits to us just beside each other. I should have sit at the end and hime on the other end.

I hate people saying we have one in common, well we don’t even have exactly fan together. Its begiining to transform that his likes are not my likes anymore, his activities are not my activities anymore and will never be.

Why people keep saying we are best friends, knows each others, have in common. I think this has to come to an end taht people will forgot we go along. For it will never be and it should not be.

Hope everyone does understand this, I’m not a bad girl here, just making the right decision. That its time for me to give up what I have been fighting for over a year for it has no happy ending nor success of a fight. Things are not the same as it should be anymore.

I don’t care how people treat me and say against me because I am giving space around him. I don’t care if they say I have attitude problem. If only they knew what’s going on between us. If only they knew the whole story.

I knew people have a hard time reaching out to me. That I keep distant from them too, for only they knew its the only way we could not be together. I know this is a wrongful act, I should not keep distant with the group but I should give up so that he can freely fly and enjoy.

If only I will have a new set of friends to totally be not with him together all the time especially group dinners and parties. Anyway even if I am with the group and he is there as if we don’t know each other, I can’t even remember we talk or laugh with or sitting beside each other.

I am determine and I know this is way better than reaching out to him, getting his attentions just a split seconds and caring much but in the end I still cry and feeling not worthy to be with him.

I know in life you must do exactly where your heart is but thinking much is in the path and way to get the heart well treated and taken care of.

Within this time, 1 is better but having second time around is enough. I am fooled by my heart and mind. Fooled that it is hard to escape and will be forever a bad dream. I always say ‘dream on’ but it’s me it strikes the most.

I have no way intention in coming things to as common as it is know, I can’t fooled my self anymore. There were sacrifices I have made, friends that I have left out, things I have given up and pleasure I have modified and when its time for me to comeback, they are all gone, I just realize they have gone, I stop giving them importance for him, and in him it is me that its not important to him.

I am too late to bring back what I have left out. They are not coming back anymore and it hurts me the most and feeling of guilt and ashame to myself.

What I have done is the most happiest in my life but it has brought me to hell.

Underneath

2009-11-10T23:00:00.000-08:00

I am just curious while eating, why their hands doesn't come out above the table. Was hoping to bow down to look underneath but wasn't able to. Are they holding hands?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Slowly in Tears

2009-11-05T01:56:00.000-08:00

From the moment he says he didn't ask for my company thats when I realize things aren't the same as it was before. Big changes is happening between us. It may come to a point we aren't lovers, best friend, friend, acquainted anymore.

I just can't understand, that if we are both alone, it seems I have a lot of responsibility to him. But if we are in groups, he can't talk or get along with me. As if I wasn't there all day and night.

If we were both alone, he is very sick, tired, burden, bored...etc. but if he is with others o my he is very happy, overjoyed, alert, really gentleman.

What's within me? it just makes my tears falls down to my chick that breaks my heart.

He say his death is near for he has unhealthy body and always tired, he would dream of his dead relatives and spooky stuffs. Well to his knowings, I am sure I'll be the first one to lay down in the coffin, for I have physical burden which I believe I contributed alot to our relationship. I feel my body is dying and aching inside that as time goes by I am use to the pain it brings me. I'm not clamoring anymore for no one hears me even my family. I hope one day it would not come to a point that I will fall surprisingly.

Physically, mentally, emotionally I am dying slowly.

His hugs are the only one left I have felt I need to stay and be alive.

Separate Ways

2009-10-20T03:02:00.000-07:00

He is not already my companion, my partner in crime. He never share his plan, he has throw away our plans. He has never ask me abiut my plan.

When he is finished and made his plans and decision, thats the time he would ask me what will be my plan, as if he wants us to be on separate ways. As if he wanted it early as possible for I am just hindrance.

This time I fully understand that he no longer thinks of me nor care nor loves me.

Big Baggage

2009-10-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

Ok he has already plan for next year and sad thing is that I do not belong to his plans.

I know in his heart that he wants to be with his fried flat bread, because with her, he so happy and enjoys life positively - "law of attraction". He will be inspired and will have more money and they could travel the world especially in Hawaii and Paris and many places they like.

Well he doesn't want me anymore for I am boring and stupid.

I our relationship, All I did was to care and love and give myself in..but what else could I do if he doesn't feel real love, he even has zero attraction towards me.

I have to let go even it hurts me painfully. I still carry I big baggage I thought this would end but I was wrong, instead it triples my big baggage to carry on.

Still Alone

2009-10-12T02:48:00.000-07:00

I have to go home. I have to feel my presence in my own family for I feel invisible here in my independent life.

Why do I ahve to be jealous when I don't have the right anymore? WHy all those approaches he have for others are very nice, a gentleman, very heroic, full of energy, vigorous, talkative shares, having planful futures. While his aproaches towards me is that he makes me feel dumb, no use, overreacting, no plans, boring and all bad aspects.

I think he no longers want my company anymore while me I am tired of providing. He wants to lighten up the room, and why is it if there is a chance for the 2 of us he separates and find ways to go away, worst thing is he wants to sleep and sleep and sleep when he is with me. I mean he always feel tired and sleepy. While on others he is very active and energetic.

What will I supposed to do, it looks like I am invisible for when I am with him I feel like I am still alone.

Tired and Dead

2009-10-09T02:39:00.000-07:00

I now know what is my disposstion in his life. TO be there and act as manly and womanly at the same time.

I don't know how long my body will last long, I feel tired and dead. I am very very to sensitive to all utters and makes me feel dumb and numb.

I have to let go of this or I would lost my mind, for I can't take it anymore. This life is full of unfairs and grief.

Unremembered

2009-10-07T02:33:00.000-07:00

I had mention to him he had spoken he loves me, but he didn't remember. And what I have in mind is that I think it wasn't for me or it was just a spell of words from a motionless mouth. This is the time I now know that when he speaks when he is half awake, it was not meant to be or it is not supposed to said and feel the emotions from the word.

Half Awake

2009-10-05T02:33:00.000-07:00

He said he loves me when he is half awake resting. I guess he is so tard. I didn't know what to response but just said I love him too.

Jolly no more

2009-10-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

I cannot be as jolly as it can be like before. For everytime I make moves or do say something, join in some discussion and have some jokes THEN, (yes a big THEN!) if I make something which he doesn't like or for him it was wrong he then have a frown in his face..his eyebrows meets its point. Which I don't know what to react. I mean people around does not see anything wrong why does he have to frown at me? What's wrong on that...what's wrong on those???

It seems that I miss myself in the past..always laughing..having jokes...going and walking talkatively...and now in order for me not to receive frown face, I would just be still and keep quite so that he may be at peace.

He thinks I'm quiet, reserve and not people person. It was a shocking for him to realized I had laugh a loud, talk to much on the phone with my best pal. See? he forgets who I am and how I make my other of side of friends happy and amaze. My friends would usually say I always laugh around and talk simultaneously. I remember one of my close guy friend who had describe me as jolly person, this guy really knows me..but to him he would always say I am quiet and don't talk to much..I get the answer why it was really opposite. It's because he never gives me a chance to allow myself to fit in the group and take my jokes as jokes. He never let's me be but instead he wants me to hold my moves or tongue..it looks like he wants me to deliver my speech to him first and had his approval.

The point here is...I laugh and enjoy myself in a conversation but there he is frowning secretly if he thinks I am over the fence which actually I'm just within the backyard. And I hate seeing that everyone enjoys while he frowns secretly at me because he doesn't like my words or story lines...why what's wrong with me? why can he not appreciate?

Everyone enjoys while I can't enjoy myself. For if I will enjoy by the end of the day in just one conclusion he would say, why am I so laughing loud, saying that why which make like a hore or flirty.

That's why secretly I wanted to go out with other set of people to enjoy myself and laugh as if it has no end and we could have smart conversation at it's most compatibility.

With this word 'compatibility' I may want to consider we don't have that anymore.

Let Go and Move On

2009-10-01T04:13:00.000-07:00

I can reach already his points of views in life...we don't share much of brilliant and factful ideas and plans..

Maybe this is part of letting go and moving on..

Dream

2009-09-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

Oh Lord, please don't let me dream about him if it won't be happening by tomorrow or on other days to come.

He really loves me for he only needs me.

2009-09-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

In times of trouble he is present but in times of happines he wasn't.

In times of cries he is present but in times of laughters he can't be interrupt.

How could I appreciate life and humility when he spend more money with his friends and I gave him the expenses secretly. The grattitude was given to him while I stay in low profile for the generousity I gave in.

Here is a story, he wants to be generous to his friends that he want to take and spend money and time for them. And all our friends would say he is so generous and rich..blah blah blah..but at the end of the day he would ask me to pay him for all the expense he paid for our friends. Or on that time he would secretly as for money and then when the time comes I had given him he would volunteer to pay all the expense. So then our friends would believe that it is his money and not mine. Of course surely the gratitude..thanks..apreciation was with him and not in me. I am not saying that it should be me taking all those appreciation and thanks but all I am asking is that he should also gave me even just a little credit or a thank you word came from him or he will also let our friends recognize that I do had shares too but all I get is a frowns and a blowing air of uttering words. After those, it was just nothing I have done for him to have those thanks, etc, it was easy for him to forget what I did,

I am like a bubble, once he blows I am create and dancing on the air and once he blows me again in just a snap I'm gone.

What is my purpose here on earth up to now problems wont leave me. I always pray and it was granted but the single most prayer I had its not and it was left out. Did God miss my prayer? Did God throw it on the trash or still unread?

Friendship or Love?

2009-09-15T07:26:00.000-07:00

I knew all this time and no second thought, I am very sure as ever and its really true that he wont choose our relationship. He would choose his friend/s and not me.

Why is it so? well it was proven that he really had concern and he enjoys the company of his friend or friends over his girlfriend. This is common and its reality, who would choose love or friendship? I mean mostly people would choose friendship over love.

Maybe to him I can had it in a sentence. Friendship for him is a treasure of golds and precious stones that he cannot bequeath. Love for him is just a distruction, a hindrance to his dreams. That's why he love a friend more than he love his girlfriend.

For people friendship is the most important thing in the world, so why choose a lover when a friend is already at hand with happy moments together?

Unknown Battle

2009-09-10T17:35:00.000-07:00

Maybe he is caring and loving because of what my possible illness would be. He said he would probably miss me if I have to go and had proper medication if the result would be a serious one. Is he making this time to spend a lot and to stay with me making me feel I am not alone fighting an unknown battle inside me and to gain me strength that I have the will to survive or live for him for without me he doesn't know what to do(I'm confident to say this) ?

Is it because of my unknown illness that he starting to say 'I love you', to let me know that he loves me and that I am willing to be healthy and take care of myself so that we could be together until the ends of my life.

If this is the case, well then I hope I am feeling sick so that I had his attention mostly.

All I am askign now is to pray and believe that this unknown battle inside me will be gone caoz this gives me the feeling of discomfort. Hope everything is fine and healthy.

Jealous State

2009-09-10T17:25:00.000-07:00

I love the way my love gets into jealous state. He hinders me more to believe that he still loves me and never let me go. It only proves that he didn't want me to be with somebody else. This is a fresh feeling.

My love is so cute when he is jealous. But sometimes I am into tears if it gets worsten.

Right now I cant describe our situation but still I know he would still be saying no commitment and we are both single. But in the end of the day I am still relieve coz I know I still have him at this very moment.

I am hearing it right?

2009-09-10T17:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I am hearing it right, since last night after a big fight he was saying 'I love you'. We had exchange that 3 words! (I have been longing for this again to happened). I don't know if I will be happy or not, I wont expect too much again as this hurts more. I don't know if this will last long but since last night and this day we stated "I love you" to each other.

Hmmmm..maybe he doesn't want to loose me. Because a close friend of mine was texting me always and he has suspicion that the guy got feelings for me...blah..blah..blah.. Maybe this close guy of mine is a savior, through him he has let my love come back to me.

I love the way things going now but I hate the way my love is driven by intuitions.

Unsuitable

2009-09-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

Why is it he can post his pictures together with a girl, from avatars to public photo sharing but with it comes to me he can't do it. The one reason is he is not proud at me even through friendship. I never remember he had posted our picture as an avatar. I sick and tired of this situation. I wish it would end. It's very much unfair and unsuitable. Yes it is true he doesn't care about my feelings and he only thinks for his happiness to persuade.

Bleeding Silently

2009-09-07T02:40:00.000-07:00

Last night I make the biggest mistake again. Why did I do that? Why did I let him. I am very stupid. It looks like my heart is bleeding again silently.

No I realize for him it was never important. For him there is no 'us' already. And now I should know what is now and what is in the past.

Utter

2009-08-26T02:30:00.000-07:00

At the middle of this week, it was the first time in a long long time I heard it from him saying the words 'i love you'.

When I wake him up he had hug me tight saying that words, I don't know what to react or say back instead I had hug him tight back. I hope it was for me and he was not thinking from anybody else because I miss the words he usually utter from time to time.

My Destiny

2009-08-18T03:04:00.000-07:00

I feel I have lost a companion and someone to lean on that is closest to my heart. I am alone now and this is my destiny.

Playful World

2009-08-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

I have once been asked by a friend who had made me realize by his question but the friend did not notice it. Yes it was in fact true that things aren't the same way as before. It comes to a point I was on sour-graping reasoning kind of thing. Its indeed lifeless as it may sound but truth provokes it's happening. I am believing now that individual differences are factors and made me realize I must not be naive and ignorance in this playful world.

Time Passes By

2009-07-28T18:14:00.000-07:00

As time passes by, as I said to the Lord not to grant my wishes for I have became so bad, but I am still asking and trying to the Lord to help me coping up and move on.

Grant

2009-07-27T01:24:00.000-07:00

I had become a very bad person and it has come to a point that I have ask the Lord not to grant my prayers anymore because I don't deserve to be granted.

Spill Out

2009-07-10T02:19:00.000-07:00

You have been a very good friend and generous to others that you have forgotten you have a girlfriend, you forgot our vows and plans on future together.

You all forgot those and I knew it when you talk forcing me to be single like you wanted too. And I made a decision to break up giving you what you wanted.

Apparently, you have spill out words again, saying you wanted to be single and no commitment at this time because for 5-6 years you are into relationship. Do you recognize what are you saying about, do you recognize who is in front of you when you utter those words? 5-6 years? you have included your great ex-love moments, what am I to you? continuing your relationship with her of what you have started both? Is this a legacy which I have to accept as a girlfriend?

You always think of yourself while me being stupid to still think for both of us.

For your information this relationship means a lot to me and hoping on early months that there will be no break ups, need spaces, walk outs but I can see that now is impossible.

When you wanted to be single, I think it was easy for you to forget what we have started, to forget our love and devotions.

Unlucky

2009-07-03T04:29:00.000-07:00

Im' so unlucky on love. He was into 3-4 years of in a relationship with his great ex-love and 1 year in a relationship with me but sad to say its time for him to say he wants to be single now that we are together. In our time, that's the time he wanted to be single. Maybe something is wrong with me that I am not lucky and his great ex was.

I though of 'us' will be forever but I could see now that this is only a dream that is far beyond reality.

We can't even have time to talk, only when we are sleepy, on daytime there is no spontaneous talking. Is that a talk for him in me already? He has not even talk to me in formal ways about his plans only to those close friends he has that he shares ultimately his dreams. If you ask me what dream he has really within his heart I can't say a word.

Day and Night he is busy on his cyber world. Laughing out loud sometimes. (Us? we can't laugh that much and longer) .While me waiting for him to glance at me or talk to me, while he was asking a favor I grab the oppurtunity that he sees me too.

You Said

2009-07-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

I have love you and wanted you to be forever but what did you ask me to do? you ask me if you could have flings and act as single. I never imagine the love of my life would do that.

I thought we could only play single to those people around us everyday who has no idea what we are into, but also to the people knows who you really are, to your friends who knows you very well..how can you do that?

You said it will be forever but you wanted to be single and I am giving you that. You said we love each other but we will have no commitment and awhile ago you stated I will find you a lover. You just don't know how painful it was.

I have gave all my bravery, love, care, time, effort but it was lost just a year for you. Even in our anniversary night before, we had dinner but you have all the attention to the cousins of your great ex-lover and I am there out-of-place in all your chit chats. I thought it was time for both of us coz by tomorrow I will be going home which I have no choice, butyou have not consider that evening as romantic it can be.

What I have done to deserve all this. You said on an early months you wanted me to be your girlfriend and wife but why is it now you wanted me out and consider going with other people. I thought being husband and wife, girlfriend and boyfriend doesnt leave each other behind.

I don't demand your time to be always in my side. What I feel is we are together but your thoughts is not on us and its not on me. You are busy texting and I wont read that anymore because I feel it is restricted and I can't go beyond it. I respect that.

I respect your feelings that's why I will not do anything to make you jealosu or think I am cheating on you. I have learn my lesson previously and I don't want to loose you just like that. Can you make that for me too?

Single Blessedness

2009-06-18T03:24:00.000-07:00

Now that its over. I am certified single again. But even if we're together I still feel I am single.

I never ignore the love he has bestowed upon me, but I could feel he has less love in our relationship even though everday I am stating to my mind 'Yes he loves me dearly'.

Even though sometimes when he sees me his world is broken again. When with his or our friends he had a huge smile but when a snap or glances at me, his eyebrows meets its center and all my actions and talks are all wrong. That's why when in a group I would rather keep silent and no more movements so that he will not be dismay.

I just keep silent and be there for him. Waiting for him, waiting for his attention, his time like last year. Waiting for his care, waiting for his hug and kiss.

I have less share about this to my friends who knows our relationship. Its because he always think that when I tell or share problems with others about us its already backstabbing him. Its not backstabbing intentions, all I need is somebody to lean on and to let out the hurts I have.

I do everything to please him. I have serve, care, love and give all for him. But at the end for one thing I cannot do what he pleases me to do I had receive bad compliments. It is like all efforts and care was gone just for 1 simple thing.

I had endow in this relationship I even have no time for my ownself. Even my body is tired, my sickness on left side really aches underneath the skin, my heart aches going up and down, I still go on for my mind and heart tells me too and for him.

Many bad compliments and lesser good ones. A shadow. A tail. An ill-fated.

Important thing is I still care and love him. and we are friends.

Think

2009-06-18T02:42:00.000-07:00

If I think about money or debts, I think and save for the future, for emergency and health used. Because no one can help me but me.

Love Unconditionally

2009-06-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

Something keeps me holding on and that is unconditional love.

But is this love stays on forever?

Wounded by Fate

2009-03-20T02:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes emotional scars are not easily taken away.

Embarks

2009-02-14T00:31:00.000-08:00

I Need you because I Love You

Unpredictable

2008-12-11T03:27:00.000-08:00

If he says that it's me already that he loves then why I still feel their is love betwwen him and his ex-girlfriend.

I know the ex wanted really to be with him, in all his and her plans, as if she would like to pursue their plans together just like before. Why I still have this feeling? because indeed I could feel it.

Because it was like before when he say something to her that would bring him back to her, of course it is an opportunity for her. And why she would still want my boyfriend now to make decision if she would accept a new love? how stupid. Why she needs my boyfriend's opinion? or rather she just want to make final decision like maybe she is still hoping he would comeback to her or she wants to know if my boyfriend still love her. And if not she would be on the other man. I am bad but I have to say that this girl hasn't had any 1 word, for I have read on her letter stating that he would not love any other man except him and she won't find any partner in life anymore.

I will just have to be prepare of what comes next. Indeed the girl is really unpredictable she fights unknowingly.

I know when I have him, I am on the right track, they still have no closure and he reassured me he doesn't love her anymore. But what happened now is that I feel inferior and as if I'm on their center and enters my mind that I am the reason why they break up.

Reason why they break up? I have nothing against them especially on her in the first place. He just happened to say to me that they are over and he keeps on saying how he feels about me until I've fallen. I never intended to get him over her. I don't deserve to feel like this, I just deserve to be happy.

9th Monthsary

2008-11-20T06:33:00.000-08:00

It is our 9th monthsary but the sad thing is I we both forgot.

We treated our monthsary just normal days maybe because it is really normal. Unlike his previous relationship so special. Monthsary nga pero timing na mgparamdam xa at ma hurt nmn ako.

For off the topic. I should have been ashamed to myself, no one should be ashame except me and not others involving specially the ex-girlfriend. (I don't know what would be the right term for his girl). Mabuti nlng at hindi ko na send yung text messages ko for her of what does she wants kasi ako pala ang lugi sa laban.

I know no one would believe me if I say I really felt sorry for what happened to her and it was not my rejoicing moment as other say about.

I still can't understand why I still keep crying every time I remember and up to now his friends doesn't like me to be the girlfriend. I still shed tears likely to know I have not impress his friends, and I will never impress them I guess for the thing is I really don't know them. But it really hurts for in their eyes ako ang mangaagaw. Is that what I did?

I don't know if he was happy last time when he chooses me. Chooses? I didn't know he has to choose between us. That's why in my mind, I am the one who ruins their relationship, I mean kawawa nmn ang girl sa ginawa ko. I was being to selffish, when I think only for my happiness. To what happened to her I just gave her another set of problem. Am I that bad already?

Maybe thats why the girl has still guts and accepts what had happened to her for it was her fate. And I know now if time be brought back she won't let it happened and they will still be together without me knowing that I existed. I know I will be left behind if the situation is just and just.

I never know what was happening, there where hurting, tears, hopes, martyrdom while me being so selfish. Thats why a friend of his commented na iba yung pagkakilala nya sakin and for what happened to the girl he also commented I have gain more confidence to get his friend. But he was really wrong, I never felt that way as what he was thinking, to him I am that bad and insensitive but did he try to get my side? did he try to talk to me and listen to me one on one? On the last time of what wrongful I did to his friends did he confronted me? Instead I never heard from him again and he just keeps on dictating as to what comforting his friend more to make me a bad person. He also accuses me that I am trying to break the friendship of their barkada. I don't know up to now if he is fully accepting me as me and as girlfriend.

All this moments are really ideal. I don't know if he also consider this as "pinagdaan" or a trial to us both.

The 3 Words

2008-11-12T02:45:00.000-08:00

I was hurt when I have read something on his history chat. It was about saying "I miss you" and mostly "I love you" to the woman I am so angry the way she acts towards him. I just slightly read and stop! In the history chat they have many conversations using her alias. I didn't dare to read it anymore for I was hurting and seeing the ambituous face of that girl while they chat. Maybe she was very amaze and like hearing the 3 words for the first time in her life? isn't it?

He told me it was nothing and was just a joke. If he was joking did he consider my feelings that I will be hurting? or did he consider the feelings of that girl? what if the girl believes it was true? and having little growing on her ambituous heart? And if they do exchanged each other with the 3 words...how about me? What about me?

For me he has no right to say I love you to others and only to me and just me. He should consider who he will be addressing the 3 words. For some girls might be believing it was true especially that ambituous girl.

I keep on thinking why the "playing your song" girl has chatted suprisingly. Well I got the answer in my mind, for my boyfriend chatted with the ambituous girl, and maybe she relates it to "playing your song" girl. This girl then also wants the 3 words "joke" coming from my boyfriend. Hope this isn't true. For I really love saying to them "tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are". If only they knew.

And I can't stand looking at them especially while talking to my boyfriend. I know girls how they act if they knew a guy wants or has feelings to them. They act nicely and charming. Yes it is normal but with this two girls as if they are competing to win the heart of my boyfriend.

Anyways, I have my boyfriend and he is mine and I am his. I love him and I know he loves me. That is for their big information.

Why is It?

2008-10-28T06:52:00.000-07:00

Why is it when I scream or say loud it was already anger and "suplada". Why is it if he screams or say loud I step down backward and get angry and he tells me after a minute to stop the anger and I would suddenly stop or after a minute to stop and let the anger pass away. But if its in vice versa, it is so very big deal! Ako na yata pinaka suplada sa buong mundo. Kng hindi mn ay pinaka pangit na ugali, wala nang hihigit pa.

I know in his mind he would say:

Mabuti pa si ________
mas mabuti pa si _________
pinakabuti pa si _________

And I am not in those blanks. I will be on blanks that are so much ironic on those above. 3 blanks to 3 girls. How lucky are they, they have the heart of my love.

He says: why on his friends there are no malice when they hug and kiss on public but when it comes to me I am putting malice. And why is it when I put the first move helding his hand, walking really beside him he would immediately take off his hands or kulang na lng he would push me hard to move away. Do you know how much that hurts...., I am beginning to let the public know how much I care and love in that ways but he is to the one to reject it.

How lucky the girls he is with, he really cares and act as gentleman. It is ok for him na akbayan siya or hold his hand but me I cannot do it because he say its discrimination!

Why is it happening? because I am not that sweet nor caring on and off public. I am not like the "playing your song" girl or "past is past" girl and or "pasalubong effect" girl. Na grabe mga guts...always on first move which he greatfully likes..girls on first move and really very very very very friendly girls with very nice attitude and character. While me, its very complete opposite.

I know it a long time ago, knowing him, I am not the type of girl that he likes or admires. Comparing me to his girls and friends its far beyond compare. Maybe my life is still dreaming on...............

Alternative

2008-10-27T03:22:00.000-07:00

Even though we would fight, it doesn't matter, he has always an alternative. He can trully laugh and be happy while we are on a rough times. And who am I to clamor?

Every time we fought and hurting him I feel I am a failure. Failing to make the day happy and very lousy partner. And can't make the things his first one does or some of his "sweet friends" as what he reminds me. A very far from the first. No matter what I do I'm not the first one and just the second best or better or good. I guest the first will always be within as what others says and its true.

Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...Accept...

Since Then

2008-10-10T02:28:00.000-07:00

At first I keep silence and never mention how I feel. I never intend to let him know how I feel because I was afraid. This was no ordinary and so so relationship anymore. I just keep quite for I have no right to speak out how I feel, I still have no right to be jealous or to care a lot. How good I am keeping the feeling inside me.

Soon we have exchange ideals and feelings then having relationship with no commitment because I still have to question myself. And soon we both had agreement and say to him ok let's have a commitment now. Eversince then on I have minimize my being so caring to some of his friends, I stop my sweet-action to others which I know he is jealous a lot of. Instead I focus a lot to him. I adjusted myself and learn how to care and love him. Everyday I use to know what are his likes and dislikes. Likewise knowing him better and better.

For him to know I have no clamors with it comes to time, money, and effort. During rough times it was never expected. I guess its natural for lovers to have some downfalls. I want him to be there always beside me and I will never get bored if we are together. I will do things to make him happy with me. I don't want to hurt him or feel that he is left alone. I want him to realize how I really love him. All I want is to have happy moments each day in our lives. I have experience a perfect family and I will not deprived him from having that one together with me. I really and use to say to him to be obedient and respect to some of his close family and likewsie not to be so rascal or naughty, which I can see he has improve and follows my advice. Its a great accomplishment noticing him doing and following things for me. To him I will never get tard of caring and loving because I will do this forever.

Now That They Are Gone

2008-10-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

Now that they are gone, I am happy but same goes as still irritated. Yes they are gone but what's the use of text, chat, emails and calls which I cannot watch directly. They are not my enemy but still I would say keep your enemies closer.

Still there are worries. They could chat all day which I cannot monitor and knows the topic, even though he doesn't make serious some of their deeper conversation (I'm not sure if he is serious or not at sobra naman kung makisabay) still I consider that as not an excuse. He has feelings and could likewise stumble. He could be tempted to appealing gestures of others too. More and more those girls are wise and competing with me as if nothing competes.

If that is the scenario, I am a complete loser, I can't play the game they are playing. I can't compete to win his attention because I know I have his attention. But what do they do? they get his attention and leaving me behind, who am I? and what am I to him? Don't they get that?....don't they know what circle-of-friend term is? And what do I do? Just keep in silence and just clamor to him without them knowing what is happening to us both. If you could just read their chats you readers could understand why I had overreacted and wanted to end the relationship. But wait stop! ending the relationship is a complete mess. I know I am really hurt and its not jealousy anymore, I can't frankly say in front of them why do they act that way, as I am doing just still understanding the situation because they do not know what is the real score between us (Don't they really know?). There are lots of scenarios wherein as if they are more than friends or best friends. All I could comment to there actions is "unrecognizable flirting character". And to him always pawala. I know he has that feeling about the girls that they do also like him.

I admit I am really selfish with his attention because I just hate them for they do grab his attention always. Maybe right now they could possible chat without me knowing. I am judgeful to them because they need to be judge.

I am acting this way for I just love him very much! and he is only mine and no one is between us. No third parties just us both.

Has Yet To Come

2008-10-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

As I have notice major of the post are heartaches. Its because people usually think and impress more when they are hurt.

Hurt, jealosy, disappointment and anger are things we must consider in loving. Loving him lets me experience those feelings but despite of all that, loving is very unexpectable and wonderful feeling.

As I said before it has its own time and right now is my time. If ever many readers will read this they may judge me but still this are all within me...my thoughts, my ideas and most of all my feelings.

Much more revelation has yet to come. Thank God He is there giving me strenght to stand and wake up each morning with a new day together with my love. I guess this strength keeps me going on. Receiving this strenght from my love and to God is what keeps me holding on and loving more.

Despite of all trials from heartaches of jealousy and misunderstanding we are still together. Is this what love is all about? Then I am thankful how strong our relationship is even every night I cry. Hoping still that no one could be in between us and no one would dare to break us apart.

You Know Who

2008-10-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

It been a long months since I haven't right on this blog.

There where lots of happenings, revelations, jealousy, misunderstandings by my love. Recalling it makes my heart numb. Thanks to God, He has been always on my side giving me strength to persevere.

Yes indeed maybe I am thinking the wrong way or just having illusions but enough is enough. I am always there at his side but they haven't seen it and why others can? We are person, I and even you know who to make conversations..hmmmm..just conversation..a friendship conversation from what I know.

They say peace of mind makes you free and no heavy baggages to carry everyday. I definitely know that but there are person really are roaming around as if they are ants or bees having stings.

To a person who frankly say to me they were only now friends or bestfriend but had enorgomously eaten her words, just wanted to say stop acting like an angel having peaceful heart. The pain that you cause can't gradually be disappear like a blink in the eye. Stop saying like you move on and repeatedly say 'past is past' for I wont believe you anymore, for all I know you still want him back. Don't be desperate just have shame. Things aren't the same anymore. Accept it for where and what you are now is what your doings on your past. Believe in karma whether it is good or bad.

To a person really is making everyone be tempted don't act very good and always-right. Be in their girlfriends' shoes. I have heard it, your break ups are always having third parties so dont be a third party animal because it hurts like what you have been experiencing. Know what is happening around. Dont act foolish as if you don't know what is between him and me. Dont play innocent and play around him like even more than friends and having conection. Just to remind you, you are always the point of jealousy in a number of relationships. Just an advice beware of strangers, be careful to be close quickly to a person you just seen, you're just lucky enough. Dont act as if inaapi ka nila, because you are the one who's making your own problems, dahil pakialamera ka kaya ganyan nangyari sa'yo. We all know you are intelligent but don't be over intelligent. I know you are right and have proven it but doesn't mean the enemies are all wrong because you also have mistakes in here. In the first place you just have to stay away, you knew the person have girlfriend, why still entertaining? Come on, be sensitive. Dont leave friends behind if you have a new friends. Kawawa nmn ang matagal mu ng friend, iniiwan mu lng, and if the other one can't be because I am around ngtitiis ka nlng sa isa. You are still talking to a person you think and say is plastic, why not stop talking and making her fool acting like close, (sino mas palstic sa inyo kundi ikaw mismo). If you are not plastic then stop befriending her. Mas plastic ka pa sa dating nya. I knew little things about who you criticize and they are your friends.

To a person as if very concern and helpful, papansin pa. What is really your point? ng mamakaawa to be seen by him? having contest with the person on top to get his attention. Am I right? But lugi ka pa rin, hindi mu makaya the guts of the person above. You're like her, acting like innocent one and as if no idea between me and him. Your annoying voice and laugh just irritates me. I don't get you, yes you are a friend but I am around and can manage to help him and take care of him. You are acting like I don't know everything about him and I can't do things to make him happy. Open your eyes lady, both of you open your eyes. Nakakasuka na ang arrogant sweetness ninyong dalawa.

Ok I am acting like I'm perfect but I am not. I am not a good person, I'm no angel having no sins at all. I have lots of sins, mistake and downfalls. But I am opening my eyes and mind and trying to be sensitive as possible for my love. Life and love has its own time and this is my time now. Wait for your so called prince charming. Again wait don't find it. Stop having blind dates, nowadays it is dangerous trusting blind dates. Follow your dream and be a millionaire. Go on......

Life and love has indeed has its own time. I waited for my time and it has come....

What Now?

2008-10-06T07:50:00.000-07:00

It was his ex girlfriends birthday yesterday. He has greeted her very early in the morning about after 1 am before we go to sleep. I have no idea, I thought he was just playing what he usually do. Oh my his texts wasn't just an ordinary greetings. I was not usual greetings to friends as what he has said.

No comment now, just making my hurtings worst. Good for her she is happy stating again their terms of endearment.

unexpected

2008-07-29T18:38:00.000-07:00

we accidentally meet. His ex-gf. But I did not notice it was her. I dont know what to feel. I have face the ex-girlfriend somewhat still hoping to be the girlfriend.

I don't know what is the real score of her attitude within. I don't know what is the real score for them both.

Tuesday Night Fathom

2008-07-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

As I got home last night I receive news from him that our neighbors knew it all along that we are into relationship. They ask him how long we've been together having that mutual feeling.

I was little bit shy at the moment but as I realized it was accepted. Thank God there was no any discrimination of it. I feel freedom on that house...free to express myself..ourselves...but I am not use to it having lovely and sweet gesture towards my love if they are around..maybe I am just at new to the situtation...I never expected that they would ask and knew it....

Despite of that..its gladly to hear that they do accept and love us the way we are into. Its not new to them also because their cousin has that kind of relationship too...It's ok they can judge us..its nothing...I have appreciated them much for really asking and have the guts to ask question and frankly approached my love..

That night was I guess a shocking moment for us. They knew it all along..maybe because of our treatment with each other...they are really very observant..I hope their acceptance will really remain and be their for both of us...I really like those persons...it is a really appreciatively nice attitude...a nice open minded persons I ever met.

And for girls like us loving our love ones..its really amazing..a never adjective word to be described.

Hoping our family would be the same....be there for us and be happy for us...

5th Monthsary

2008-07-14T01:39:00.000-07:00

It is our monthsary. Time is so fast. Its been 5 months since we are together. Can't believe we have experience tough and happy times in our lives together.

The relationship is not that perfect, we may have misunderstanding but it is a great feeling we don't end the day without reconciliation. Me myself doesn't want to pass the day without settling down the problem.

For the 5 months, we live together now and still coping up to adjustments coming are way. Now that we are together, I feel I am secured and happy. I always feel comfortable when I am with him. Its a different feeling if his around and seeing him always. For 5 months I believe that both of us, our love is more growing deeper. Hoping this will last forever.

All I want today is to hug him tight and let freedom be within us, that we could express our feelings to the eyes of the people around us. I love him so much more than words could ever be publish. And I will never stop loving him.

Yes my life has been change when I met this person and love this person. For 5 months, life is been on a cloud 9....Thanks to God that He has given and let me know this person whom I love the most.

Happy Monthsary my Love.

My Lover's Choice

2008-07-10T01:34:00.000-07:00

"She choose to love me but she also choose to break my heart... I never thought nga matabo ni sa amon...Kay sang una cia lng kabuhi ko kag cia man...choice na nga hurt ako..then it's my choice to forget her...it's my choice to love again...It's my choice who will be my partner in life and it's my choice to call someone...MY LIFE, MY DESTINY, MY LOVE....."

It's my Lover's choice indeed. We all have choices. It can never be a perfect choice but it's a way to say we move on.........

My Fears

2008-07-10T01:22:00.000-07:00

One day he will asked permission again to go out with the women I am most jealous
One day he will asked permission to be with his ex for the meantime plus with so much care for her.

Am I too being selffish?
What will be the right reaction for this situation?
Should I give way now?

Confessions from his about being with someone I didn't know
Confessions from his about with her ex that they went out together.
Confessions about he is having impatient with my character and overreactions
Confessions about he has falling out of love to me.......

I can't say word anymore if this will happen....

More Deeper

2008-06-30T01:54:00.000-07:00

We are living right now on one roof. Our relationship gets even more deeper. I don't know what will happened next. As long as I have my love one beside me I am complete and very much happy.

Hoping this will be forever....to takecare one one another and holding on...

Why it was questioned, still compares...

2008-06-23T23:52:00.000-07:00

My love still keep questioning what kind...how big..my love is im giving....I am hurting...I could see in the eyes a fear...fear of my love because maybe theres no love in return for me? or Can't believe that I'm giving the love

Still compares me to the past relationship experienced. It was very hurting. I never thought I will hear it again. I know I'm not like her. I am not like her very much..so much different...but there is still comparison. Nevertheless I have to accept it because I wasn't the first. I know how they been through for 3 years, in that 3 years of their relationship, it has grown more that's why everyone knows about them and like them being together hates me. I could feel it they hated me. There comes to a point that I would just say my cryings and hurtings are their happiness and the happiness so much of the ex girlfriend. I know I have compare my love to my past but not as deeper comparison..not much that would hurt my partner.

I keep on saying that I would not leave no one. Yes I won't. As long as my love needs me I will be there. It will be hurting if I hold on and no one holds me back. I would rather die if my love falls out of love for me. I would rather go that no one knows me if my love is just there for me and can't leave me just because of pity and no love existing anymore. It would be a big conscience for me to make a person stay even if the person doesn't want to stay and just staying because of pity and guilt.

My Blue BeaR

2008-06-23T00:32:00.000-07:00

It was given to me by my love. It was a sign I use to ask in the Lord that whoever shall give me a stuffed toy with blue in color would be my true love. Finally that's it. Someone has given me a blue stuffed toy during a no occasion day for both of us. I have named it kling2 after a duckling(long story for you to ask)

That night I was planning to say its over and just put to an end whats with in us. What I mean to say is control our feelings and put limits on it because it was wrong and I could say it wasn't meant for us to be together and I am thinking I am not deserving the love that was offered to me. But I don't know what to say or how would I say because I was really astonished of what I have receive....It was a sign I've been waiting for so long...and I don't want not to take it away. Signs from God are a holy gift.

The night came and the plan was pursued. I have hurt the person I have ever love like no others. My mind was battling either the sign of God or my weird thinkings. The sign of God was the strongest and I can't take it living my love alone and hurting. Everyday and every night we are together I've been falling. My love grows more and deep. I hold on to the love that the person is showing me. I don't have idea what to do anymore either I will leave or not. My tears fall when I heard the words saying "never let me go". It was touching and I was very sensible with that words. I have stayed and not wanting to let go anymore. I hug to say sorry for planning to leave and I promise to love and be strong for both of us.

And my decision is great. I can say that to myself for without my love I can't imagine what would my life be today and tomorrow....But its not about the sign anymore..its about the love that we give in to each other that we stay together up to know.......

My Lover's Confession

2008-06-20T00:21:00.000-07:00

If your lover confess to you, and that confession is what you don't want to be heard and would came out from his mouth, what would you do?

The first confession. My lover with his ex-girlfriend in the morning went together cleaning up. I know they do it before but its all over between them. It really hurts the most. Just like my heart bleeding until it stop beating. Of course the ex-girlfriend is so happy, even if my love would state no touching or whatsoever. Still the ex will be hoping for more chance of winning him back into her arms.

Second Confession. My love lies to me. What I know is that he is alone. Then afterwards he is with his classmate having videoke, then sleeps on to the boarding house of that classmate. Then after a week, my love confesses. He is not with a classmate but with an officemate which I have a huge jealous with. My God...I dont know what to feel, I just cried over...my cries in that night was not enough for my hurt and pain I felt. One night too that we are not together was that he is with her and havent had idea they do have that plan of a date.

Third Confession. My love and the ex - girlfriend had an intimate kiss. He said it was just a try regarding if still there is feelings or what is a feeling to kiss your ex-girlfriend. How about that? maybe he would try having sex to to prove his final feelings, either he love me or still love his ex. He told me that there is no feelings now or attachment. Hahaha..and now what? I should be glad that there kiss is nothing beyond? A big question..will a kiss prove that you love that person or have a feeling towards that person still? I don't get it still up to now, why would he kiss his ex just to know if there is still love or not...remembering this makes me angry in the world. I felt betrayed. I know the ex girlfriend is having hope for both of them and my love just gave her a bit of a chance of hope again.

These are so far the most hurting and painful confession made by my love. Honesty I am still getting over with it. Yes I forgave my love because I love him. I am that understandable because loving is accepting and forgiving the wrong.

Selfishness

2008-06-16T01:04:00.000-07:00

I never expected that the person I love would tell me I am selfish. Why? its because I am way to possessive? very jealous person? I'm feeling that way because I just love the person very much.

Yes I admit, I'm afraid losing another person I love. I wanted to keep the relationship and as much as possible, all my time I would give to that person alone. I wanted to have more memories together with my love. I want to care and love the person as long as I can.

At first I was not possessive nor jealous. But as time goes by, I am becoming. Because one thing is for sure, I have known my love has feelings over the other despite that I am there. Why? It hurt me so bad that I really want to confront my love but I can't. I am so afraid to hear the truth from her and would come out from the mouth that yes there is feelings existing.

Yes! I became more possessive to a point I am holding my love like my prisoner. Yes! I am much insecure because I am not expressive to my feelings, I just keep quite and doesn't know how to care and say flowering words. But frankly speaking I appreciate and idolized my love, I just don't know how to express it. I am not sweet, I'm just me like a stick sometimes. Or maybe I am not fond to be with.

But really it gets into my nerves everytime I remember my lover's confession. So hurting, I wanted to shout, get angry because I was just fooled. All I did was cry out. Cried so painfully.

I do respect my love's decision. I do respect the friends surrounding us. I am really thankful that my love has many friends that love and care. I like those person who accepted what my love is.

One thing is for sure I am not letting my love stay away with friends, officemates and classmates. I wanted my love to enjoy too. Its just that there are just girls that are showy. So I can't help being jealous and hurt.

I feel your WHISPER

2008-06-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

by SANTHOSH SHENOY

I Feel & hear your whisper, sways around like asper
Gentle echoes that they are of which you are least aware
I hear the whispers of the wind, I see the stars shine in the sky,
But, none feels like your whispers or matches the star shining in your eye
It sways ardent breeze of harmony, each word is wrapped in rhapsody.

At times when wind blows through trees do I pause & listen to its passing?
I feel your voice brushing me, the gentle warmth touching me
I hear the tenderness of your voice that fills the spectrum of my soul.
Your Vibes, I feel when you're near me, Your breath, I feel tickling me, on my ears
Whisper gently in my ear, a simple whisper, A whisper that speaks louder than words
Into my ears, flow the whispers of love, Whispers, the speech of tireless lips
I long to hear forever, your sweet whisper like laughing water, a music to my ears
The soothing words that fall, smooth from out your lips
On my heart, it pours and lands softly, dewdrops they are, on my finger tips

The mischievous glow in your eyes which I always long to see forever
The ecstasy I see in your eyes, to which myself and my desires, I give
Standing still, I gaze into the twin pools, count your eyelashes, Measure your breath
How I wish, I could taste the honey of your maidenly breath
I wonder whether you stare at me? Could that be connected with mine?
Eyes to eyes share a story, gather flowers, share the fragrance, share the music
Open your heart, gently close your eyes and see, there appears a face, in the space in your heart
I will hold you there, I swear, in your dreams, in the warmth of desire, with a gentle embrace
In a soft embrace, Heads on shoulders, we entwine, you are mine forever

Capture my heart with your passion, tickle & whisper softly in my ears
Your voice, my love, I will listen, in my heart, it always whispers
Come with me, be with me Forever and always, Let me Love You